Research has repeatedly shown the power of positive self-talk,
which is what most of us call affirmations. Positive affirmations have
been used to: change behavior in under-achieving students; increase
nurses' and doctors' well-being and lower their stress levels; reduce
breast cancer patients' cortisol levels; and heighten athletic
performance. People cope more easily when going into new social and
dating situations and are less likely to make downward social
comparisons when they practice self-affirmations.
Participants in one
study that said self-affirmations before a new social encounter reduced
their thoughts about being rejected compared with another group that
focused on the party and who would be there.
So how do you affirm
yourself to create dating success? You deliberately make positive
statements about yourself in your mind and aloud that are inspiring and
nourishing. Some examples are: I am lovable; I am a good person; I am a
child of God; I am intelligent; I am attractive; I am a great person.
Get the engine going until you feel freer and freer to write down
whatever comes to mind. If a statement feels scary, that is good-you are
pushing the edges of your growth. If it feels great to think an
affirmation, then it is right on target. Choosing a thought to put your
attention on is generative. I believe that attention is one of the most
powerful creative forces at your disposal.
When you make self
affirmations, you build on positive experiences from the past and more
importantly are programming for new fulfillment in the future. Global or
glowing affirmations about yourself don't necessarily work in the time
frame you would like-usually they take much longer. But they do work.
Make no mistake about it. The more attention you put on the loving
self-declaration, the more quickly it will manifest. But you have to put
your attention on it like you would on a mantra-lightly and without
attaching to the affirmation too tightly.
When doubts or other
negatives arise, treat them as if you were sitting in meditation:
observe them without judgment. Notice and acknowledge your self doubts
and DO NOT FIGHT THEM. The more you acknowledge the doubts without
struggle, the more quickly they will go away. Always return to your
affirmation, like you would go back to a mantra after a distracting
series of thoughts. Following this method will speed up your progress in
creating and living from your loving self-affirmations.
You can
be the prime and sole architect of a deliberate and more positive
self-concept or identity using self-affirmations. Over time and with
this practice, you will release your negative self-talk and delimiting
inner beliefs. Together, the inner dialogue and beliefs form what I call
the "Disappointing Self."
The wonderful thing is, you get to
decide how you want to experience yourself. You get to decide who you
are. And the best place to decide is based in your own authenticity.
Your true interests and gifts are apparent when you are real and you can
build on them. For example, as a child I was crazy about dogs. But when
I got one, I was not shown how to care for him. Instead my parents
berated me as a "bad" pet owner and I had a great deal of guilt and
shame about the whole experience. I actually repressed my love of dogs
for many years and avoided relating to them. When I went to a growth
course that focused on being in the present moment, I came face-to-face
with a Yorkie. I suddenly remembered that doggie affection and love. I
created the self affirmation, "I am great at taking care of dogs." And I
am! Ask my teacup Yorkie, Ariela, who sleeps with me every night.
The
most powerful self-affirmation you can create is to give your Diamond
Self, your most glorious self, a name. This is often easier if you
develop it with your master Love Mentor. While uncomfortable at first,
taking on and using this name is an ultimately fun and joyful creative
experience. Some of the names that my students have bestowed on
themselves are Beloved Mighty Isis; Amazing Grace; Magnificent Star;
Sexy Inuit Sea Princess; and Precious Czarina. Embarrassing as it is,
you need to practice using your name with your Mentor and/or closest
friends. Oh, and one more thing: dress the part. Here is an email I
received from "Goddess Jana" who was re-discovering her own beauty.
I
am a stunner. I just had to tell you that Jon and I went shopping today
and bought a dress for tomorrow night. I really should keep taking
pictures of myself because I am so hot!
Finally, there is one more
way you can reinforce your positive affirmations and self-appreciation
and that is by giving to yourself every day. Every day; no exceptions.
Look for new and special treats that you usually deny yourself,
experiences you would look forward to. In our culture, women are taught
and expected to be generous to everyone but themselves. For a woman to
be giving to herself is often considered selfish. So you must break your
conditioning and learn to give to yourself especially in areas where
you are stingy or withholding. From the smallest acts, like listening to
your iPod more and giving your life a soundtrack, getting and wearing
those cashmere socks, or splurging on a French manicure; to signing up
for pole dancing, singing, or Improv; and up to the largest steps, like
painting every day and declaring yourself an artist or buying that condo
in the building you've been eyeing. Just do it. When you get up each
day, use the affirmation, "I give myself what I want and need to be
happy." or "Everything I want is here for me."
Then, throughout
the day, check in with yourself. Take your attention inward and get a
sense of how you are feeling. If the feelings are not positive, take a
moment to acknowledge them as OK, and then speak kindly to yourself. If
you are working on a demanding project, promise yourself a wonderful
reward. Tell yourself how much you have accomplished and how well you
are doing. Think about what little prize would make work more enjoyable.
Heed the Bard's advice: "Be to yourself as you would to your friend."
Psychologist, Dr. Diana Kirschner, appeared on Oprah & is a
frequent guest on the Today Show. For 25+ years she has helped thousands
of single women find love. Her acclaimed new book is Love in 90 Days:
The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. For her etips, blog,
dating articles & daily affirmations visit http://www.lovein90days.com
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